you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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