Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
