Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
