you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
