your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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