I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
