Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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