I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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