I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
