wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
