1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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