Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
