you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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