I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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