Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
