She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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