Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
