I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
