Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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