never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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