Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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