and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
