Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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