CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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