Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
