a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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