oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
