he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
