My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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