there's paper in my vomit.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Couch. On fire.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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