I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
