My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
