no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
