Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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