i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
