If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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