I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
