Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
