I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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