He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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