I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
