I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
