i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
