singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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