Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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