yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
