literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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