My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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