sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i came on her dog
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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