Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
