Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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